by Zara Q. 2bU! Contributor, Philippine Daily Inquirer May 10, 2006
I have lots of reasons to run away from home, and my mother is on top of the list.
She always gets on my nerves, probably much like the way I get on hers. So, it's no surprise that we butt heads more often than not. When I was a kid, a fight between my mother and me usually meant she'd be blowing off an infinite amount of steam, and I'd be in a corner trying very hard not to cry.
But as I grew up, the one-sided scolding sessions gradually turned into two-way shouting matches, complete with angry waterworks and all that melodrama. She could be pretty unreasonable and get mad over the most trivial things, and I'd start to feel the need to defend myself. I'm not proud of it, but there were times when I simply couldn't take it anymore.
After very fight, I would wonder what I'd done or didn't do for her to tream this way. I'm smart, talented, well-liked and well-rounded. I have no vices, nor have I done anything to make her ashamed of me. I excel in practically anything and everything I do. Modesty aside, most parents would be contented to have a kid like me.
But not my mother. She's never quite satisfied. She always managers to find something to scold me for, even though I've done so many things she claims she's proud of. And whenever that happens, she never fails to make me feel like I'm not doing enough.
Oftentimes, the stress at home gets so bad that I feel like I'm nothing but a big burden to her, financially and emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I try my hardest not to be. But whenever she's in a bad mood, she goes on and on about how much she's sacrificed for me and she makes sure I never foget it.
She may be right, but the thing is, I'm being reminded about it much too often that sometimes I'm literally beginning to wish I'd never been born.
It doesn't take much to pelase her, but it doesn't take much to disappoint her, either. It gets to a point that I just don't know what to do anymore. This is when the idea of running away becomes the sanest option for me.
I think it'd be easier for her if I just left. Less expenses, less tension therefore less headaches. But something always stops me from packing my bags. My stubborn pride prefers to think it's more of a financial reason than anyting else. I have no money, no job and no place to go to (well, none where I can't be tracked down sooner or later, anyway).
But my heart knows what the real reason is, and it's only during this one special day every year that I overcome my pride and accept that reason for what it is.
Despite the frequent emotional outbursts, I know that my mother loves me with heart. All those times she had called me selfish and I had believed her to be totally wrong, I realize now that she's been right all along. If I go ahead with my plan, I'll be running away not from my mother, but from my own feelings of guilt, from the problems I'm supposed to face head on. Running away will just prove that I'm not the model dauther I've always prided myself to be.
My mother never means to hurt me or make me feel about myself. This special occasion reminds me that she just wants me to be everything I can be, because she believes in me. She's given up so much, yet I've given her so litte in return. The least I can do is to prove to her, to myself and to everyone else that I'm worth all the trouble she's gone through in raising me.
Sure, we may fight and say hurtful words to each other, but I know we'll evenutally work things out. After all, we always do.
I still have lots of reasons to run away, and I can probably think of more. But I just have one reason not to do so, and in the end, it's always enough to make me stay.
... so much Ma, with my whole heart. Happy Mother's Day!
MISSweety
... so much Ma, with my whole heart. Happy Mother's Day!
